I don’t think it’s ever easy to perceive ourselves accurately. After all, we are stuck inside our own heads 24/7, and that can be a crazy place. More specifically, I think young women often have a hard time seeing and understanding their value. They often dramatically undervalue themselves. 

It’s a fine line – you want to accurately understand your innate value (and I think it’s absolutely critical for your future), but you also don’t want to be egotistical or delusional. I think one important way of understanding your value is to look at both your advantages and accomplishments. 

 

Advantages

Your advantages are the things that are outside your control, but still give you value. Advantages can include things like:

• Natural intelligence
• A stable or reasonable  family life
• Physical beauty
• Financial security and the opportunities your parents' finances have given you

These are all things you have, but that you have not earned. You won the genetic lottery. You were born into a good family. You got your mom’s looks and your dad’s brains (or vice versa!) These are all elements that “give you value.” Because you have a good family, you aren’t carrying around a ton of trauma and will likely be a good parent yourself. They taught you good habits and skills. Because your parents are financially comfortable, you’ve had the chance to do events, trips, clinics, and camps that have made you a better educated, well-rounded, athletic, or spiritual person. Because you are pretty, people treat you with a certain deference other people don’t experience.

You don’t have to feel guilty about all these privileges, but you should certainly feel humble about them. Give thanks that you ended up born into a good family. Give thanks that your parents' genetics resulted in good looks. Give thanks that you were born with a good mind or the financial resources to pursue your passions. (And thank your parents!)

Even though you haven’t “earned” these advantages, it doesn’t mean they’re not advantages that increase your “worth.” Intelligence, financial stability, and a good upbringing are increasingly rare qualities in young people. By having these qualities, you have already surpassed many of your peers. Just be humble; you didn't earn them.  

Accomplishments

Accomplishments, on the other hand, are things you have earned (and worked hard for). Be incredibly proud of your accomplishments. Academic and athletic excellence don’t just happen – they are the product of lots of hard work, determination, grit, and intrinsic motivation. You absolutely should celebrate yourself for the ways you’ve excelled as a consequence of your own actions. 

On the other hand, understand on a deep, deep level that your accomplishments don’t define you. You are not your GPA. You are not your athletic scholarship. You are not your SAT scores. All of those things are simply data points that chart easily on a graph.  If you place your worth on these “data points”– as many young women do – you are setting yourself up for disappointment and a twisted self-image. If you place too much value on your accomplishments, then inevitably when your GPA takes a hit, or you don't get accepted to that college, or you bomb the SAT, or you don't get the scholarship…it can feel absolutely crushing. 

A good way to figure out whether you are placing too much of your self-worth on your accomplishments is to pay attention to your thoughts and feelings when you don’t achieve something (or don't achieve it to the level you had hoped). If, in situations like these, you find your thoughts becoming, “I never do anything right. I’ll never be a success. I’m not as smart/pretty/charming/confident as _________. I’m a fraud. I’m stupid. I’m a failure. I’m worthless” you know you’re mind is lying to you because you’ve placed too much worth on the things you accomplish instead of who you are.

Why I hate the word “worth” but still think it’s important

First, I hate using the word “worth” when talking about people. After all, the world is not a marketplace where human beings are on sale, each person a combination of features and selling points with a different price tag. On the other hand, I think the single biggest hurdle holding most young women back is their mistaken, under-valued sense of self-worth. 

Why does any of this matter?

Simply put, because the next ten years of your life are the most important. The decisions you make in the next decade will likely put you on a trajectory for several decades to come. 

What I see, time and time again, are young women who have so much to offer the world and the people around them, but because they don't see their own value, they sell themselves short. Instead of finding friends that inspire them to be their best selves, they find friends who bring out their lesser selves – petty, dramatic, shallow, or judgmental – because “I’m not cool/pretty/popular/smart enough to be friends with those other girls.” 

Even worse, I constantly see young women who put up with waaaay too much shit from their romantic partners because those romantic partners “claim” they see and appreciate the girl’s worth (when they’re not being an awful person and manipulating her insecurities and poor self-image).  

If you’re an upperclassman, let me offer a suggestion. Ask your parents to tell you stories about people they’ve known in life who have sold themselves short. Adult life is littered with broken friendships, families, and marriages. It’s littered with adults who fell short of their promise. Many of these situations result from one person not truly understanding their worth, and as a result, settling for careers, friends, partners, and lifestyles that harmed, maimed, or stunted them. They underestimated their worth, and they paid dearly. 

Better yet, ask multiple middle-aged women what advice they’d give their younger self. I guarantee 90% of them will say something along the lines of “I wish I trusted/liked/valued myself more when I was younger.” 

A final thought on self-image

One of the most liberating insights you can ever have is simply this: Our minds are ridiculous liars. Our brains are laughably bad at being objective or accurate. That can be a liberating thought when you realize the voice inside your head telling you “You are worthless” is really just the deluded ramblings of a brain that is very, very wrong very often. 

Make the coming decades ones in which you grow into your truest, deepest, best self. The trick to doing so is both remarkably easy and remarkably hard: Know, in your deepest heart, that you have incredible worth. Know that you are worthy of surrounding yourself with friends, partners, careers, and people who see your worth as well.  Spend the coming decades surrounding yourself with people excited to work alongside you to nurture your best self and who help you bring that best self to the world. 

…and know your worth.